Alaska Scapegoat Ranch, volume 1 number 9, September 1999 The Last Frontier of Animal Husbandry Mortals of the Tanana basin take great interest in their local mangy, inglorious creatures. The taiga and swampy dregs harbor many untamed shrews, squirrels of various hues with compulsive caches of nuts, and birds of all stripes and songs. With Homo sapiens alaskana, enterprising creature that he/she is, there is someone, somewhere even as I write, hoping to domesticate the poor beasts for the global market. Alas, what purpose would it serve to subjugate any of these to a shadow of their former wild grandeur under the yoke of domestication? But there is another creature, Esteroids and venture capitalists, for which the future is exceedingly bright. This sturdy utilitarian beast is ripe for broad-ranging and rapid domestication: The Alaskan Scapegoat (Foragus dividenda eternum)! Now why might this huge unexploited resource succeed in domesticated bliss, where most (some say all) others have failed? Well, let’s have a look at some goatscapes of the future for clues. Visualize for a moment your own neighborhood as a profitable ranch for your own future financial security. Scapegoats are one of Alaska’s highest value-added products for the local and world markets. Who else is better placed to afford the cynical cybernetic populace with an internet menu of virtually perfect scapegoats for the priests of politics to sacrifice? A few observations will convince the skeptics: 1. This is an underutilized resource: scapegoats flourish in Alaska. The political goatscape is where they thrive most doggedly. All Alaskans are familiar with the many scapegoat ecosystems. The bleating of the club-leg Sierra Scapegoat can be heard in nearly all Alaska social settings, and have been with us for thirty to forty years in significant numbers, with no visible or invisible means of support save the Permanent Fund dividend (thus their specie name). Clearly scapegoats can survive on very little and still prosper. And they are nearly impossible to eradicate, once established. 2. It is suitable for all Alaskan conditions: Unlike moose and furbearers, polar bears and whales, scapegoats seem to adapt well to any area, any goatscape, any living conditions. Wherever they are needed, they seem to crop up. Consider the southeast Alaska variety: the stealthy Green-mantled Scapegoat. This handsome secretive creature survives on fungus and intertidal invertebrates in southeast Alaska, and seems to take great pride in hounding and harassing the Forest Service. They have found a way to survive while eliminating wasteful government spending in the largest and most expensive (i.e, unprofitable) national forest in the country. They are consequently hunted for various purposes by the lumbermen and other sportspersons in that environment. 3. Along the coasts and in the Bering Sea, we find the famous Oldgruff Fishing Goat. A sporting creature itself, it is the only scapegoat known to be fisheating. This ungainly mammal occupies the same niche in the ecosystem as the Steller sea lion and other troublesome predators. This is always a hapless biological destiny, and so the Oldgruff scapegoat is in a continual skirmish with commercial fisher-people. They have guns, the scapegoat doesn’t, so here is a clear market for replenishing a rapid turnover of scapegoats. 4. Elswhere, scapegoats are ready to fill various niches: subsistance scapegoats; scapegoats genetically designed to produce copious amounts of natural gas, an obvious area for ungulate exploitation; intellectual scapegoats, also in serious decline, are more challenging to replace but the niche is wide open, owing to a recent outbreak of disease (udder cuts and abdominal shrink syndrome) with a nearly 50% mortality. Although impossible to make disease-free, these scapegoats are valued for their surliness, thick skins, and wit—all uncommon in other species of scapegoat. Shelflife and Maintenance Our research at the Alaska Scapegoat Ranch has shown that scapegoats can be raised for short lifespans, a matter of days, such as space aliens and Y2K scapegoats, to some which approach eternal life (environmentalists, liberals, children, minorities, and sinners). Who can argue with the ranching and financial potential of these wondrous creatures? At the Alaska Scapegoat Ranch, we continue our efforts to seek new uses and niches for our products, and to develop this huge in-state market, with potential for world growth. Future scapegoat husbandry articles are planned for the following topical areas:
So keep your tow paths clean and forgive us our trespasses. The Alaska Scapegoat Ranch, Ink
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